


Petals of my wings smell like clouds

by OrangeSprout



Category: Mewgulf
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Fluff, Fluffy, Gulf is a guardian angel, Gulf is cute, M/M, Mew has big emotions, Mew is smitten, Mew is soft for Gulf, but who's surprised, friends to lovers ?, kind of, kind of angsty then happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26299321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeSprout/pseuds/OrangeSprout
Summary: Mew grows up feeling big feelings for his guardian angel Gulf
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Comments: 4
Kudos: 78





	Petals of my wings smell like clouds

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of Art and Mews relationship and fallout and that situation. This is all fiction. Also, mention of a sixteen-year-old having thoughts about a kind of?? twelve-year-old. I don't think its anything triggering but I also want to throw it out there just in case.
> 
> I had a thought about Gulf sitting in Mews lap with angel wings and then wrote this. thought it was going to be short. I have no idea what happened.

Mew is sitting alone on his bed thinking of what just happened. He looks over his desk, two pieces of paper hung up on the wall. He could barely see them in the darkness. He had tried to throw them away but he could never get himself too. Tried to hide them in a drawer but would always take them out a few hours later. So there they were. On the wall, mocking him for his bad choices. And he let them. 

Tears trickle down his cheeks, he feels them raining over his clenched fist.

His heart is .. hurt. It’s not broken like he thought it would be because this isn’t anything like what he felt when he let .. Gulf go. 

This was different altogether because he was supposed to be forgetting about Gulf. He was supposed to be moving on. Living. Experiencing. But fuck, look what’s done. He was careless in his excitement to forget because he'd been pinning for so long. (Who was he kidding he was still pinning.) He feels humiliated and ashamed and there’s no one to blame but himself. He can’t even stop the sobs at this point he just hopes they’re not loud because he doesn’t want to disturb the rest of his family.

He misses Gulf so much right now and that plus his mortification and degradation of his character. The slander of his name because he was callous. It hurt. 

Sobbing harder at the thought of them finding out. Disgrace. That’s what he was.

His family. Everything they build. What was going to happen to them? He could have prevented this. He should have prevented this. 

Of course, he should have noticed the signs. The ones that say;

‘ _This was all for show_ ’. and ‘ _he doesn’t like you the way you like him_ ’. 

or even; 

‘ _You’re only seeing the parts that reminds you of Gulf while forgetting that Art is nothing like Gulf_.’ and ‘ _You’re pretending that everything is real so that you don’t have to remember it’s fake, That he’s not Gulf_.’

Art had told him so many times that he was a flirt. That he liked to flirt. And he did, with everyone. And that was fine because Art was his own person and he could. Art was honest from the beginning about what he did but Mew wasn’t. And Mew couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle it because it wasn’t Gulf. Gulf wasn’t like that. Gulf wasn't a flirt. He was an angel. Quite literally.

Art couldn’t handle his emotions. ‘ _You’re so needy’_ , is what Art had said on numerous occasions. ‘ _Too much to handle’. ‘Why are you so childish?._

Mew pulls at his hair as Art's voice flickers through his head, he hates it. ‘ _We can fool around but I don’t do relationships_.’

And Mew did. Mew was hardcore about relationships. Mew wanted to spoil the one he loved and be with them all the time. He wanted their eyes to only be on him. So, Mew pretended not to hear those words. He didn’t hear those words because he was hoping that every step he got closer to Art the further he would get from Gulf until he could forget. That maybe Art would fold and be what he was hoping he would be. So he kept pushing and pushing and pushing.

He forced himself onto Art and Art told the world his secret. Something he wasn’t ready to tell the world just yet. Something that could kill his career, tarnish his reputation. Ruin him. He was scared. He wasn't ready.

He had known he was gay since…. Probably since the moment he meets Gulf. Definitely since then, from the first moment, Gulf looked up at him with those big Bambi eyes. Gulf was … He gasps as his lung twist in his chest. He was so scared of the repercussions of his actions. He couldn’t stop the panic from filling his veins. Flooding his system. His family. What would they think of him? Could they even love him? Would they? 

Would he family kick him out?

Oh fuck, he wasn't sure he could live without them and their support.

“P’Mew.” Mew pressed his chin into his chest, knees curling up, fingers fisting over his eyes. No, he can’t see him now. Gulf shouldn’t see him like this. Shouldn’t see him at all. Mew can’t handle it.

“P’Mew.” The soft voice whispered like a cool drink of water after a hot day. Fingertips bush over the backs of his hands. He digs the heel of his palm further into his eye sockets. It hurts but at least for a moment, the tears have stopped.

“Go away.” Mew forces out, it’s weak and wet like tumbling rocks into a lake and Mew hears him tsk in annoyance.

“P’Mew you better look at me right now.” 

Mew's hands are forced away from his eyes, he blinks as he tries to refocus, the small amount of light in the room is amplified by the effervescent glow that Gulf has. It’s soft and warm. Mew lets out a shaky breath as a palm cups his cheek.

“There you are.” Gulf breathes out, a small smile over his pink lips. Mew feels more tears building in his eyes and he looks away.

“Why are you here?” He says weakly, his body seeming to calm down at the warm touch. Wings flutter behind Gulf as he shifts, his others hand cup Mews others cheek, connecting their eyes again. Gulf's eyes sparkle with sadness and love and Mew is wrecked. He doesn’t want this look directed at him.

“I thought you said you didn’t need me anymore.” It wasn’t condescending or sassy but soft and teasing. Mew felt himself giving in, giving up all the fight he’d had for so long as soft thumbs brush over his cheeks collecting his tears like coins in a wishing well. He was sinking to the bottom of Gulf's gaze, a place he always wanted to be. “Look at you.”

“I’m a mess.” Mew whines, hands tugging at Gulf shirt unit he steps closer, their knees bumping.

“You got that right.” Gulf coos letting himself be dragged into Mews lap. Mew stares up the beautiful smiling face of his angel. “I’ve got you.”

\--------------------------

Mew blinks at the boy who’s just landed in front of him. He casually looks up to the sky, nothing but blue with the white fluffy clouds. Then back down at the boy who was now laying on his belly playing with a flower.

“Where did you come from?”

“My parents.” The boy says back the fact, as he tugs on the flower.

Mew blinks and frowns. He looks around. There’s no one else here but him. His parents are somewhere else in the yard. He can’t even see them from his position.

The boy pushed up, flopping back into his butt before looking up at Mew with a wide smile, flower in his palm.

“Mom says I shouldn’t talk to you because you can’t hear me or see me but you can so -I’m Gulf.”

“Gulf?” Mew asks still not understanding the situation. Gulf holds out the flower for Mew like a present.

“Why am I not supposed to see hear you?” Mew takes the flower gently from the boy's hands, holding it in his palm not really sure what to do with it now.

Gulf clumsily pushes a finger to his lips “Shhh. It’s a secret.” A tiny giggle, “I’m your guardian angel.” He stage whispers very loudly.

Mew blinks, looking up to the sky, then around to see if anyone else was here then back to Gulf. The boy seemed content to just sit and smile. But Mew was still confused on how he got here. “Guardian angel? Like from those movies my mom watches?”

Gulf shrugs, getting distracted as a bug fly’s past. Mew watches Gulf tilt as his head as he follows the bug, body leaning until he almost falls. Mew reaches out to grab his arm instinctively before he could fall.

“Thanks,” Gulf says with a giggle.

“Where are your parents?” 

“Hmm, watching your parents.”

“My parents?”

“Yeah. That’s how it works.” Mew wasn’t really sure what to do with a guardian angel but he knew how to take care of people younger than him. 

Whenever his parents weren’t nearby he was the protector because he was the oldest. His mom always told him the older brother watched out for those younger than them. To watch out for his little sister so she didn't get hurt. Seeing as Gulf parents weren't nearby that left him being the oldest and he would just have to do the same with Gulf too. 

“How old are you?” Mew asks a little while later as he kicks his feet over the edge of the pier. The water was calm and blue under the bright sun, he wanted to jump in and cool off but his parents didn’t like it when he swam in the lake alone so his feet played over the water’s surface instead.

“You’re age,” Gulf grunts as he stretches to reach the water with his foot. “Eight.”

“You don’t look my age.” Mew reaches out a hand to hold Gulf arm. “You might fall in.”

Gulf huffs but settles back on the pier, feet dangling but not touching the water. “I’m an angel and mom says age is not important, protecting my person is. I am the age you need me to be.”

“You look younger,” Mew says with defiance. He was the older here. He wanted to protect Gulf like he protects his sister.

Gulf blinks at him, head tilts as he thinks for a minute before his face breaks out into a smile, “Ok.” Mew deflates, not expecting the acceptance so easily. His sister was usually more defiant and winey. “Does that mean I can call you P’Mew?”

“P’Mew?” Mew splash some water up with his feet at Gulf who giggles as he moves away from the droplets, “Sure.”

\---

Mew tossed and turned on his bed, the shadows on the wall shifted and the scratching on his window gave his the shivers. He wasn’t scared but he definitely couldn't sleep. It wasn't because of the movie because it wasn't scary when he watched it. He didn't want his mom to be right about how he wasn't ready for horror movies yet. He was old enough because everyone else in his grade was already watching them but ' _You have a soft heart'_ his mom had said. It's not that she was right but he doesn't think he likes horror movies.

“P’Mew?” Gulf whispered, confusedly.

Mew flopped over to look at Gulf who was standing by his bed. “You’re here?”

“Yeah?” He sounded confused like he wasn't sure why he was there. “It’s dark here.”

“It’s night time.”

There were a few beats of silence before Gulf snaps with an exclamatory ‘ah.’ Gulf's tiny wings fluttering behind him. “That’s right, sleep. You should be sleeping.”

Mew blinks and Gulf leans in. Mew can see parts of his smile with the light filtering in through the window.

“Do you want me to help you sleep?”

“I don’t need your help sleeping.” Because Mew wasn't afraid of horror movies. He could handle them.

Gulf pouts, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Do you want me to leave?”

Mew reaches out, grabbing his shirt. “You don't have to.”

Gulf stretches his arms out over his head, wings flapping a few times before flopping next to Mew. He was lying face first in the pillows his tiny wings jutting out of his shoulder blades. Mew's hand continues to grip Gulf shirt as he wiggles the covers over his body.

“I watched a horror movie even though my mom told me I would have nightmares.”

“Oh." Gulf says like he understands but Mew is pretty sure he doesn't, "Are you scared now?” Gulf rolls over to looks at Mew, whose fist is still tangled in Gulf's shirt, at this point, it was twisted and bunched up by his armpits. Gulf didn’t seem bothered by it so Mew didn't let go yet.

“I’m ten I can handle horror movies,” Mew says petulantly but scots closer to Gulf. not because he's scared but because he can.

“I believe you.” And it sounded like he did. Not like he was mocking or teasing. Gulf pulled the blanket up to Mew's ears, patting his head awkwardly like he wasn’t sure if his movements were right. “Ready for sleep now?”

Mew nods and lets himself close his eyes. He doesn’t have a nightmare that night and he wakes up feeling refreshed and calm. He looks over to Gulf who’s star fished out over the bed, pushing Mew to the side, drool hanging out his mouth. Normally he hates his bed getting messy, he’s also not a fan of sharing his bed. His mom calls him a prince when it comes to his bed, normally he is but he doesn’t mind Gulf. Maybe because Gulf was his angel.

\--- 

They’re lying in bed together, Gulf is curled up, foreheads touching, Mew's arm is thrown over Gulf ribs. They had just gotten into bed so Mew knows Gulf isn't sleeping yet.

“Do you eat?” Mew whispers. He’s been wondering about it for a while now. He’s never seen Gulf eat. Or drink either for that matter.

“No.” Gulf groans out like he was fighting sleep. “I don’t need to but I can. Just like I can sleep but I don’t have too.”

Mew laughs, “You sleep a lot for someone who doesn’t have too.”

Gulf pokes his ribs. “I like it.”

“You like it?” Mew giggles fingers reaching out in retaliation trying to tickle Gulf. It was a useless endeavor because Gulf wasn't ticklish and Mew was, but he could try. Gulf creeps an eye open smirking at Mews attempts, he chuckles to pacify Mew in his attempts.

“Yeah, way more than you do.” Gulf reaches out wiggling his fingers over Mew sides. The reaction is instant as Mew wiggles away, laughing loudly. Mew hands pawing and swatting to push the warrant fingers but Gulf was persistent.

“Stop. We have to be quiet.” Mew wheezes between laughter when he can't take it any longer.

“Laugh softer,” Gulf says but tickles more, both hands wiggling over Mew sides until Mew finally grabs his hands and yanks them away. 

Mews huffing and puffing while Gulf is smiling so wide his face might split.

“That’s not fair.”

“You’re just mad because I’m not ticklish,” Gulf says wiggling his toes against Mews shins in a mock tickle.

“Exactly.” Mew catches Gulf legs between his. “Stop tickling me.” Mew pouts and Gulf little wings flutter behind him as he wiggles happily in Mews hold. “And to think I was going to give you something special tomorrow.”

Gulf stops moving eye going wide with curiosity. “Special?”

Mew nods letting go of Gulf extremities. Gulf shuffles closer, toes playing with Mew's toes. “What is it?”

“No.”

“P’Mew.” Gulf whined, pouting as he tugs at Mew shirt. 

Mew sighs like he’s mad but he can’t help but smile as Gulf wiggles in anticipation.

“I’ll show you tomorrow.”

Gulf is sitting at the counter, a bowl in front of him, he looks over to Mew who has a bowl in front of him. It looks like the same food. Mew pats down Gulf's sleep riddled hair so it wasn't sticking up.

“What is this?” Gulf asks

“Crispy pork with basil.” Mew hands Gulf a spoon and a napkin, “I had it a little while ago and thought of you. I think you’ll like it.”

Mew digs his spoon in taking a bite before looking over to Gulf. Gulf follows Mews lead, slowly taking a bite. Chewing like he’s not sure how to. Which maybe he doesn't because Mew has never seen him eat and he doesn’t need to so of course chewing would be a strange concept for him.

“Do you like it?” Mew asks when Gulf looks down at his bowl in contemplation.

“Mew honey,” His mother walks into the kitchen, “Who are you talking to sweetheart?”

Mew looks over at Gulf then back to his mother who seems to be staring at Gulf's bowl.

“Gulf.” He states.

“I thought you had grown out of having an imaginary friend sweetie.” She rubs her hand through his hair. He preens for a second under his mom's attention before turning back to Gulf who doesn’t seem bothered by his mom. Actually, he barely takes notice as he seems to be chewing again.

“I’m ten mom. I don't have an imaginary friend.”

“Oh, such a grown-up.” His mother drops a kiss to his head, glancing over to the Gulf bowl. “Just make sure to clean up.”

"Yes mom."

When she leaves the kitchen and Mew looks back to Gulf who’s mouth is stuffed and his bowl is empty. He blinks and Gulf turns to him full cheeks and he smiles.

Mew laughs as he pokes the stuffed cheeks. “I guess you like it.”

Gulf nods, cheeks bouncing before he quickly finishes the food in his mouth. Gulf leans over Mew, one hand on Mew's leg as he tries to capture Mew spoon midway to his mouth.

"Wwhat are you doing?"

Gulf pouts, looking at the food, slowly he opens his mouth. Mew huffs rolling his eyes but scoops food onto his spoon before feeding it to Gulf. The happy flutter of the tiny wings on Gulf back coupled with the tiny ' _yum_ ' was enough to make him share the rest of his food with the angel.

\--- 

Gulf wasn’t around all the time. Just sometimes. He would show up randomly and leave randomly. Mew had asked him once about it and Gulf said;

“I’m here when P’Mew needs me but I’m also still in training.”

When Gulf was around they did everything together, run through the woods behind the house, play together by or in the lake. Do homework together, separately but together. Mew couldn’t read the writing on Gulf's papers. It was like weird abstract wiggly lines that moved around the page.

“Angel writing.” Gulf had said like a secret and tried to teach him but Mew would forget within moments of being taught. It was frustrating and Mew wasn’t used to not getting something. So they gave up pretty quick. Or rather Mew did and Gulf just smiled.

Gulf wrote him a note saying ‘never give up’ in angel and hung above his desk. Or rather Mew hung it up because he was taller and Gulf was clumsy and Mew didn’t trust him to stand in a chair. It was next to a picture Gulf drew a few years back of the two of them.

Mew had wanted a photo and even tried to take one but he found out quickly that Gulf didn’t photography. Because he was an angel, Gulf had said. Mew had sulked the whole day until Gulf drew him the picture. It wasn't great because Gulf couldn't draw but it was good enough and Mew wouldn't give it up for anything. Except maybe an actual photograph.

Mew remembers the day Gulf drew the picture, not because of the picture but because Gulf has snuggled him the rest of the day. Gulf didn't want him to be sad.

It was also the first night Mew fell asleep hugging Gulf. A habit that continued every night after. Because if Gulf was going to stay the night it would be in Mew’s arms like the best teddy bear he’d ever had. Mew found that he slept better squeezing the life out of Gulf who star fished over the bed if he didn’t. Plus he really liked playing with Gulf's wings early in the morning while the other was still asleep. They were fluffy and white, soft like cotton candy and silk.

Mew will never admit the day Gulf said they couldn’t sleep together anymore was heartbreaking. He was fourteen and he didn’t want to whine. So, he accepted it. Gulf would sleep on a futon on the floor, one that he stuffed under his bed when not in use.

“Why can’t we sleep together anymore?” Mew asked, hoping the reason wasn’t because Gulf was scared of him or something. His mother had always told him he was a little too aggressive with his caring. He didn’t always get what it meant but he was starting to understand the older he got. He was hoping this one of those times. He could pull back if that was the case.

“Because you’re growing up, you don’t need an angel to protect your dreams anymore.” Gulf wasn’t wrong, Mew hadn’t had a single nightmare in years but that didn’t mean he didn’t want Gulf next to him. Because he did, he really really really wanted Gulf next to him. How to explain that to Gulf though. What was he going to say;

' _I want you there because you’re comfortable',_ _'_ _I like it when you’re in my arms',_ _'I like your sleeping face even if there’s drool'._ Or even,

_'My heart feels better when you're in my arms'._

How does he tell Gulf these things when he's feeling emotions that he doesn't know how to name them. He's feeling things in heart that feels too large for his body.

He doesn't know how to explain that to Gulf nor himself.

He just agreed because he was getting older and maybe this was Gulf's way helping him grow up. Gulf was his guardian angel after all. He trusted Gulf's judgment.

He would never admit to laying at the edge of his bed so he could dangle his hand over so he could hold Gulf's hand in his, even if he woke up with a cold hand and a sore arm. 

This was growing up, he thought. He would get over it. He would be ok with it because he thought he should be. So he would be.

\--- 

Mew looks over at Gulf who smacking on his pencil, pinks lips mumbling as he reads. Nibbling at it every so often. 

It was immensely distracting. And Mew has done nothing for the last half an hour but stare - read, daydream. His own fingers brush over his lips in the same fashion as Gulf pen as he wonders how it would feel to kiss those -

“P’Mew did you finish up already?” Gulf peers over, brows furrowed. “You’re not done? What have you been doing?”

“Nothing.” Mew shakes his head, looking down at his half-done worksheet. His hand's tingle to touch Gulf. To pull him into bed, take off his clothes and touch Gulf the way he'd seen people do in the porn he's watched with his friends in the gym locker room. He wants to know what it would feel like to have Gulf arching under him as he presses his lips into the hollow of Gulf throat-

He looks back up, Gulf eyes sparkling at him as he blinks.

Slowly his hand reaches out cupping Gulf wrist, fingers circling the tiny bone. Gulf wings flutter nervously behind him. They were growing, brushing the top of his head and over the curve of Gulfs back now. The white wings always made Gulf skin glow such a luscious color in the sunlight. Mew wonders how soft they are, he hasn't touched them in a while. Not since Gulf stopped sleeping next to him.

“Sometimes I forget I can touch you.” He whispers. Because there wasn’t a rule that he couldn’t, he just tried not to ever since Gulf made the rule about sleeping separately. He shouldn’t be able to touch Gulf at all. Or see him. Or hear him. Mew shouldn’t know of his existence at all and yet he does. And he can. And he does, but only just.

“Phi,” Gulf says, voice all high pitch yet tiny that he gets when he’s nervous. It’s cute and Mew unconsciously tightens is grip. The apples of Gulf's cheeks dusting with pink and Mew feels flutters inside him, hordes of butterflies telling him to lean in and kiss the pink. “Of course you can touch me.”

Slowly Gulf flips his hand over catching a few of Mew's fingers between his. His uncoordinated and awkward and Mew pointer finger and middle finger are be squashed together instead of separate between Gulfs but Mew lets it be. Gulf's hand was small anyways much like the rest of him was. Mew wondered when he'll grow more. Mew had just turned sixteen and he was growing quick. Mews already had a few growth spurts, his muscles are growing too. Gulf, who was supposed to be his age still had the body of a twelve-year-old. Small and fragile. Mew often wondered how he was even able to carry the weight of his wings on such a tiny frame.

“I’m your best friend and your guardian angel. Here for holding hands and helping with homework.” Gulf says squeezing his hand.

Mew gulps, ruffles Gulf's hair with his free hand instead of doing the other things he wanted to do. “As my honorary best friend you have to stay with me forever.”

“As your guardian angel,” Gulf smirks, cheeks puffed up looking proud. “You can’t get rid of me.”

They fall into a comfortable silence again and Mew’s eye drift back to Gulf's lips, they move as he mumbles in angel. That distraction hadn’t lasted very long Mew thinks. He pushes up off the ground, setting his books and notes in his desk, glancing up to the two pieces of paper above his desk with a smile. He turns on the tv before flopping onto his bed.

“You didn’t finish,” Gulf asks, concerned. 

Mew turns over with a sigh. Those lips pulling him in. He felt a strange longing in his chest. He saw Gulf all the time but he missed him. He missed him in his arms. He knows he shouldn't but he can't stop the feeling or the words, “Can I hug you?”

Gulf eyes widen, his mouth drops open a little in confusion. Mew lifts one arm in invitation and waits. Mew could see thoughts running through Gulfs mind and he wondered what the angel was thinking about. He almost dropped his hand when Gulf finally nods. It takes him a second but he finally crawls into the bed, laying down in front of Mew. Mew does drop his arm then and it falls onto the bed between them. Gulf reaches out lacing their fingers together, this time correctly.

“This is not a hug.” Mew teases but this would be ok if that’s all Gulf wants to give. He doesn’t know the rules of guardianship. Maybe this was all Gulf could give now.

“It’s a hand hug.”

Mew chuckles, squeezing Gulf's fingers. “Seems so…”

Mew looks over Gulf's shoulder at the television. He doesn’t really see it it’s more just so he doesn’t look at Gulf. So he doesn’t think about how close Gulf is and yet still so far away.

Gulf shifts, wiggling forward, then a little more until their knees touch. Mew tries not to focus on Gulf but he can’t help it. Gulf lifts their hands and places Mew's hand on his shoulder. Mew gulps, his heart picking up speed, Gulf shifts a little closer and Mew takes the hint pulling him. His chin rests on the crown of Gulf's head and he allows himself a sniff - just a small one. Eyelids flutter shut at the soft smell of fresh air. He’d almost forgot what Gulf smelled like - the sky. The way you would imagine a cloud would smell.

He can feel Gulf hands fist his shirt. Mew's fingers brush over the spot were Gulf wings connect to his back. Gulf sighs at the touch.

"No sulking." Gulf mumbles into his chest. Mews fingers stroke feathers. The feeling in Mew's chest eases, he's missed this.

\--- 

Mew’s leg was bouncing on the bed, biting on his thumbnail. He glanced up at the sheets of paper on the wall, hoping they would give him courage. He finally figured out what he was going to do. He was going to do it. He couldn't hold back anymore.

He stood up brushing his clammy palms down the front of his shirt as he began to pace.

“P’Mew.” Mew swirled around at the chipper voice. “Only a few days left until you graduate.”

“Yeah,” Mew greats back, running his hands over his shirt again. 

“Everything ok?” Gulf looks at him, head tilted to the side. Damn it, he was so cute. Mews insides squeezed and his hands itched to cup those cheeks. His body ached for Gulf. He sweet loving Gaudian angel.

“I- yeah. Are you still going to protect me? After I graduate I mean?” The words come out kind of rushed and awkward. They were. Mew understood this that didn't stop him from immediately wanting an answer, one in particular too.

“Of course.” Gulf smiles wide wings puffing out, they brush the backs of his knees now. Mews glad that Gulf finally hit a growth spurt and grew into his wings. He seemed to be losing all the awkward gangly parts of him, leaving only the handsome pieces behind. “Forever, remember.”

“Yeah.” Mew exhales slowly through his word.

Then he faces Gulf, determination in his stance. He can do this. Forever. Gulf has said forever. He steps forward cupping Gulf face and pulling him close.

“P’Mew.” Gulf voice is startled and high pitch, the pink is on his cheeks instantly. 

Mew pants out a few breathes his heart beating in his chest so hard he knows it’ll break free soon if he doesn’t do something. So he does. He leans forward, lips brushing over Gulf's lips, just briefly before pulling back. Gulf's eyes are sparkling, his face heated under Mew touch. Mew leans back in and this time when they touch, Gulf's lips purse back. Mew feels his body shudder in happiness at the reciprocation. His lips moving with Gulf, it soft like clouds and Mew can smell that airy smell that Gulf carries. His tongue sneaks out presses against Gulf lips asking, pleading. Gulf parts his lips and Mew feels fireworks shoot through him, he's been waiting so long. His tongue reaching out, brushing over Gulfs. Swirling and playing and Gulf is tentative but he meets his tongue halfway. Mew nips at his bottom lip before tempting his tongue again. He's so happy he wants more- 

The next thing he knows he's stumbling back. Gulf face and ears are strawberry red, hand hovering the air where they’d pushed Mew. Mew feels time slows down.

“Mew”. His voice was soft and scared and Mew's heart breaks. He can feel it crumbling in his chest. He had made the wrong choice. “I-… we…” Gulf just shakes his head, hands drop to his side in defeat. "-can't"

Mew feels like he can’t breathe as he looks towards the ground. He runs his tongue over his lips, the taste of Gulf still lingering there before he clenches his fist. Fuck. He knew this was bad. He just wanted to so bad.

“Mew….” Gulf takes a step close and Mew sags. He doesn’t know how to justify his actions. “P-P’Mew. I’m your guardian-”

“I know.” Mew interrupts. “I know. I think about it every day. That you're my guardian angel." He steps away. He can fix this. "I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“No, you’re not,” Gulf says and Mew squeezes his eyes shut because he wasn’t. He was just sorry Gulf didn’t want him back. He didn’t think he could handle being close to Gulf now though, knowing what his lips tasted like. Not with all the memories of Gulf in his arms. Gulf waking up next to him. Not with how much his heart yearned for Gulf. “..I kissed back.”

“You pushed me away too.”

Gulf breathes out and Mew hears the ruffling of feathers than the bed creak. Mew opens his eyes, Gulf perched on the bed looking at him with sad eyes. Mew isn't sure how his heart is still beating in his chest with the pain its pulse through his nerves. Gone the excitement and desire and all that’s left is nausea. 

“Mew-... P’Mew we….” Gulf sucks in his bottom lip, face pinching together. Mew can see tears forming in Gulf glassy eyes. Mews heartbreaks more. He's not even sure how but he feels it. His lungs constrict but he stands stoic. His angel is sad over him. That's the worst thing he could have ever done.

“I don’t need you anymore,” Mew says, forcing his voice to sound as normal as possible. “You don’t have to be my angel.”

Gulf doesn’t move, even his chest stops moving. Then slowly he wings drop-down, falling limp against his back. 

“Because I pushed you away?” He asks softly and Mew wonders if any piece of his heart or soul will be left after this.

“No. I would never want you to do something you wouldn’t want to do.”

“Then …. Why?” Mew looks at Gulf, the sunlight shines through behind like a spotlight. The light highlights the jawline and rough nose of Gulf matured face. Gulf has been growing and maturing alongside him all this time. He was almost as tall as Mew now. Taller but still small in Mews hold. He would always be small to Mew, perfect size to fit in Mew's arms. No matter what. 

“I’m growing up.” But he was a weak man. The weakest. Gulf was his weakest point. “I don’t need an angel to protect me anymore.” The same words Gulf used when they couldn’t sleep together anymore, it seemed fitting to say them now. They still hurt just as much as they had back then but now there wasn’t a loophole. He couldn’t slip his hand out of the bed for Gulf to hold. He was just left with a cold hand dangling out in the world waiting for someone to catch him. 

Gulf stands up, looking sad. Mew feels arms wind around his neck as he’s pulled into a hug. “If you’re sure.” Gulf whispers in his ear like he wants Mew to change his mind. Mew wants to. But this is fixing it, right? This will make it better. He can forget and move on? This was right.

Mew nods, hands at his firm at his side. Maybe he wasn’t sure but he was the older brother, and sometimes as the older brother took the pain so others didn’t. He was protecting Gulf from himself. He could be a good older brother. This was right.

He barely felt when Gulf left his arms but he felt the cold. Deep-seated in his heart. Frostbite over his bones. He could find the tears to cry. He felt so distraught, anxious, angry, sorrow, and yet nothing.

He felt like a hollow puppet waiting for the puppeteer to pull his strings.

Graduation was fine but life was dull. He found out how easy it was to fake a smile and how much easier it got to fake happiness the more he did it.

He was the older brother, he took the pain. This was the right choice. He needed to move on.

He threw himself into his studies and started modeling on the side for something to do. He had so much free time now that Gulf wasn’t around. He tried to tell himself he liked the free time but it was a lie. So he pushed himself. He liked modeling and acting when he could, so he followed that. He followed it so he didn’t have to think of Gulf. It worked. The more he worked, the less he thought.

Then he got cast in a series. He was ecstatic. It was time-consuming and it would hopefully be enough to forget Gulf. He was pessimistically optimistic and hopeful about it. He was a good older brother. This was protecting Gulf. He says to himself like a mantra whenever Gulf has the audacity to run through his mind.

The series brought him Art. 

Art was cute. He was tiny and perky and fun to be around and Mew could pretend that Art was Gulf. 

Sure at the end of the day when he stared at the drawing Gulf made the two boys were still him and Gulf, not Art. (Not that he would want them to be.)

The further it got into the series the less time he had to think about Gulf. He threw himself into the series and Art. Doing everything he could to not think about Gulf. And it worked. 

and worked

and worked until –

“He threw himself on me. I couldn’t say no. So I kissed back. He was my Phi I couldn’t say no.” Arts crying voice rang through his computer speakers. Mew slammed his laptop shut before collapsing onto his bed.

He couldn’t do it. He never could from the start. He always needs Gulf. He needed him now. Mew needs him more than he’s ever needed anyone in his life. He loved his family but Gulf was who he cried for. He would suffer with his love, he could push it down. He would do hat ever Gulf needed if it would make Gulf come back to him.

\----------------------------- 

“I’ve got you.” Gulf arms wrapped around his neck, rubbing his back softly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Mew pressed his face into Gulf's neck, tears staining the soft white shirt Gulf was wearing.

“Shh, it’s ok.”

Gulf rocked him softly until the tears stopped, humming softly in his ear some old song they used to listen to during their study sessions. Mews arms loosened around Gulf's waist as his breath slowed back to normal.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Gulf nudges Mew's face out of his neck to wipe the tears off his cheek. “I let you. I wanted to be with you the same way you wanted to be with me.”

“Yeah?” Mew whispers desperately, almost afraid Gulf is saying it just to please him. Wouldn't be the first time tonight it would happen apparently.

"Yeah," Gulf smiles sadly, he words so genuine that Mew wants him to lie. “But we can’t. Not if I’m going to be your guardian angel.”

“I don’t need an angel anymore,” Mew says, trying not to show the desperation in his voice. “You don’t have to be. It's ruined anyways so what does it matter.”

“It’s not that simple.” Gulf leans forward bumping their foreheads together. Mew feels cool puffs of air on his lips, eyes fluttering closed. "And nothing is ruined, everything can be fixed."

“I want it to be that simple.” He pleads. 

Gulf brushes their lips together. Just a quick peck and Mew follows after until the hands on his face stop him. “There will be consequences.”

Mew pulls his angel closer, chest pressed tight together. Mew feels the soft brush of feathers against his arms. He's missed this feeling so much. “Everything is a mess right now and I’m scared about the future. Please I need you. I want it to be simple. I don't care what the consequences are. They can' be any worse than when you weren't around.”

“I can give you tonight and make sure that everything smoothly in the future but ... I can’t guarantee I’ll be with you.”

“I want both.” Mew knows he sounds like a spoiled child but he's desperate and tired and Gulf is home and comfort in his arms. He doesn't want to let go. His hands are tight around Gulf waist and if the other wasn’t an angel he would be worried about bruising. “What if I need you with me? Why can't you?”

Gulf drops a kiss to his nose, then another to his lips. “If I stay you might have a harder time in the future. But we can’t be like this.” Gulf nods down to how close they were. Mew gulps at the implication. 

"There are rules."

“That’s why we couldn’t sleep together anymore, back then?” Mew wonders to what depth this rule runs for the angels. Gulf nods, fingers curling in Mew's hair.

“I want to hold you.” Mew buries his face back into Gulf's neck. “I want you with me.”

“Forever?” Gulf asks and Mew feels the vibrations more than hears the word.

“I’ll do whatever I need to do for you to stay with me. I promise I’ll protect you. I’ll take care of you. I don’t care about the consequences.”

"Ok." Gulf kisses his temple, then his jaw. “Fuck the consequences.”

Mew perks up pressing their lips together in a quick kiss. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Gulf smiles. Then they're kissing again and Mew feels every piece of his heart build back up. Mew sucks on Gulf tongue and Gulf ruts down into him. Gulf feels like life in his hands, his hopes and dreams pouring into the future with Gulf in his arms. Gulf's skin is hot under his palm as he pulls off Gulf's shirt, almost ripping it to get it over the wings.

It doesn't take long for the rest of their clothes to follow and Mew gives his heart and soul to the boy in his lap. Wishing on every star that this is forever.

“I love you. Gulf.” Mew breathes against Gulf neck as Gulf rocks in his lap. Hands gripping so tight against Gulf's hips Mew can see the red forming bruises that he knows won’t last but he likes the thought of them being there. The thought of being able to put them here again and again. Paint his skin with love. Gulf tangles his fingers through his hair pulling him into a rough kiss him. He doesn’t even care about the drool trickling down his chin as he gets lost in Gulf.

Mew wakes up the next morning, the sun shining in. He looks over to his desk and the blank wall stares back. His eyes fall to the laptop. He needs to check on the situation. He pulls out his phone and has a plethora of missed calls and messages from his manager. He opens social media, it’s a frenzy but it seems pretty split down the middle. People mad at him but also people defending him. His heart doesn’t feel as heavy as last night seeing his fans still trust him after this.

He heaves out of bed and quickly does his morning routine before dressing. He scared to see his family's reaction but it's best to get it over with. He walks out to the kitchen, his sister, and mom are chatting at the counter eating breakfast. It seems normal and peaceful but it doesn't feel like the eerie silence before the tornado. It’s just calm. He takes it as a good sign so far.

“Morning.” He says. They look to him and a look of concern plasters on his mother’s face.

“Oh, Sweetheart." His mother waves him over, concern plastered on her face. "How are you?” 

Mew blinks. “Me?”

She nods and his sister even seems concerned. “Yeah Jom saw what happened last night with….Art? I called Bosser asking about it too.”

Mew felt frozen, waiting for what’s next. They knew. Would she yell at him for being gay? Would she kick him out? 

“It’s ok,” Jom spoke up first. “That you’re gay. I know that’s what you’re thinking.” She smiles and his mom looks surprised at first but smiles as well. Mew thinks he might cry. He wanted acceptance but he hadn't expected it. He's so happy for it though.

Mew rubs his sweaty palms over his pants. Letting out a shaky breath. "It's ok?"

“Oh yes, darling whatever makes you happy.” His mother tags in before walking over to pull him for a hug. “Though I would have loved for you to tell me.”

“I-…” He stutters hugging her back. “I was going.”

“I know.” She pulls away to kiss his forehead and he feels like a kid again. His mother kissing his booboos when he falls. “Everything is going to be just fine. Ok?”

And everything was… ok. Sure things were weird. Mew put out a small statement about the incident. His fans became divided and some left. He had a drop in work after the incident but everything got cleared up. It was weird how smoothly it went and even though he was stressed about it and the future, there was strange calmness inside him that keeps telling him to be patient. To be calm. To wait. 

To _never give up_. 

Eventually, Bosser convinced him to try out for another series. Sure he had only agreed to a small role but it was something.

“Play in something Mew. They need to forget about What the Duck and everything with it. We need to move on.”

“You really think it’s the best option,” Mew asks sitting in Bosser's office. It didn't feel like enough time had passed that Mew was worried about possible backlash but Bosser seemed confident with this direction.

“Yeah, I think it is. Here are a few auditions coming up.” He hands Mew a stack of papers for three different auditions. “Just try them.”

The first two had been a bust and he’d seen Art at one. They had been civil. Mew wasn't sure what he was expecting but civil wasn't it. Though to be fair Mew didn’t feel the same pain as the first night. He felt ... ok. Sure he didn’t want to hang around Art in any fashion but he could be civil if they needed to be.

The third audition was interesting. They asked him to try for the main role. He didn’t want to but he did anyways. It’ll look better on him if he tried. The first couple of people he auditioned with were ok but he didn’t think he could act with them but maybe they would get the role regardless. They weren't bad but they just weren't good together.

He sat on the chair when number 64 walked up. He was cute, tiny ears and had a charmingly shy smile. Their audition together was going so well, the boy was perfect for the role he could feel it the minute he starts saying his lines. Mew continued on, trying to match numbers 64 acting. A fake kiss was next he leans forward, puts the papers between them. It’s thin and Mew can almost feel the heat of his face. Mew’s hit with the smell of clean air. It reminds him of what he thought clouds would smell like when he was younger. Something else tickled in his memory but he couldn’t place it.

They finished the audition and Mew quickly follows number 64 out to the hall.

“Hey,” Mew calls.

Number 64 turns to face him with a soft smile. It felt so familiar, like a thought on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't place it. “Yes?”

“Do-... Do I know you?”

The boy blinks, lips pursing as he thought before shaking his head. “I don’t think we've met before. Maybe at an audition?”

“No…” Mew tries to think of why this person felt so familiar but he couldn’t figure it out. “What’s your name?”

“Gulf Kanawut.” 

“Gulf?” The name felt so right on his tongue like he’d said it numerous times before. It felt like comfort and home rolling off his tongue. It was a strange sensation to have with someone you just met. “I’m Mew Suppasit.”

“Nice to meet you P’Mew.” Mew's chest tightened, a wave of déjà vu hits him hard. Gulf waied at him with a bow. “It was nice meeting you but I have to go now. See you around?”

“Yeah.” Mew waved idly as he watched Gulf walk away. For a second he can see him and Gulf sitting on the pier on the lake in his back yard, feet dangling in the water as they laugh together. But as quick as it comes it goes. "I hope so."


End file.
